i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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