I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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