he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
