So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
