i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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