His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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