yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
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