I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
