No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
