So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
