one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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