I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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