Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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