so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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