I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
