Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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