remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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