I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
