Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
