I just pynch a tree in the face
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
