Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
