I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
