we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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