Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
