my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
