well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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