His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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