I feel like I'm in dance class right now
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
