the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Randomize
