Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
