The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize
