I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
