Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
