I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Randomize
