Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I want to be your penis for a week.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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