The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
