I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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