god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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