I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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