woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
