Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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