It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
