I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
