She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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