she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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