he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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