I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
