I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
