i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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