I swear god or herbie drove my car home
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
