i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Randomize
